I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize