goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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