If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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