She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
