End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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