You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
