There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
