first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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