We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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