He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
