Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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