I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
