I haven't been this sober since birth.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
