I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
