I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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