I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
