Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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