can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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