Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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