I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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