He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
