So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
