and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
