Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
