then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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