dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
