what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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