last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
