Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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