I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
