First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
