I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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