I just pynch a tree in the face
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
