she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
