if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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