Can i not drive my cunt home
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize