sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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