Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize