he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
