I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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