I'm jealous of your bromance
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
