Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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