I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
