I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
