Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
