what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
