So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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