In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
