Are we in a gay sports bar?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
