I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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