New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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