To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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