there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
