Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
