I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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