We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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