I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
