I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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