I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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