Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
