theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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