we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
