you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
